Thought I might write a post.

I’ve nothing to title it.

I can’t say anything real about myself anywhere else.

Either the person is busy or I don’t want to tell another person.

I want to end it all. I want to end everything.

Thought I might…

Ruined

It’s those moments when someone you thought was supposed to care for you says to you after a long time of related struggles and you start to feel good that “you shouldn’t have eaten lunch” because then you’d look better in the dress you’re wearing and “you shouldn’t eat dinner” so you don’t burst the seams.
It’s moments like that that ruin me.

What a Very Happy Easter

I’m so tired of being abandoned

I’m abandoned all the time and I can’t do anything about it and I can’t complain about it and no one really cares if they abandon me or not but it happens so much and I’m just so sick and tired of it and now all I can do is sit here and cry because I know nothing will change and I know that every time someone abandons me again my abandonment issues become worse and worse and I fall even deeper into a pit of depression that I can’t get out of.

I thought I was doing better, I thought I was going to be happy and get over this but then things like this happen and they come and they break me like a baseball bat to a mirror and the shards fly everywhere and cut everything and it’s just not good.

 

Not Really Sure What to Say

I just thought I should make a post but I’ve got nothing to say.

I never have anything to say.

Because saying things is overrated for me.

Because then people will know what I’m thinking.

And not even I want to know what I’m thinking.

Focus

Can’t we focus on me for a little bit? I know you have a life. But you said you’d be there for me. And that’s what they all say but do they ever actually come through? no.

When someone says that they’ll be there for them, you have to keep that promise because if you don’t you just crush the person more inside.

I just want to be selfish for a few minutes, a few hours. I want to be able to talk about my feelings with someone so that I don’t feel so alone but no, I can’t. I have to feel alone and be locked in my own mind and I just cry and cry and hurt and cry.

I want to feel okay but I can’t feel okay when people just cause me to feel more ostracized.

When I try to follow through with the persons promise of letting me talk and them helping me of course they always have things to do. They always have their own shit that they start to talk about or have sleep or better things to do.

I understand, I really do. But what they don’t understand is that I hurt so much inside and just want someone to talk to to help me not hurt so much that I can make it to tomorrow.

I feel like I’m losing a battle with myself because I keep so much inside. I am basically deteriorating from the inside out.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can hurt so much more. Even misunderstood words of others can lead me to believe things about myself that I shouldn’t be thinking.

I want to be pretty. I want to be skinny. I want to not eat. I want someone. I want to not be alone. I want to have someone. I want to have someone who won’t leave me. I want to be happy.

I know I won’t ever get any of these things, but I want them so bad.

Why is it that words that people say can ruin your day? I don’t want to be called fat but I know I am. I just want someone to say, “Oh those pants do look good” “You’re not fat at all” and I want someone to mean it. I want to see them face to face and have them mean it. But I am fat and of course it’s those moments when I’m finally feeling better about myself that someone trusted comes along and sets the self destruction in motion once again.

I won’t thank you for listening because I know no one actually is.

Innnteresting

I feel like a traitor to wordpress. Why? Because I’ve gotten a tumblr and am constantly on it O.O It’s like an addiction. illbeyoursoulmate.tumblr.com. It’s mostly for fun though, my real feelings mostly come out here in words.

EW, snails look gross.