I Am at My Breaking Point
That’s it.
Ruined
It’s those moments when someone you thought was supposed to care for you says to you after a long time of related struggles and you start to feel good that “you shouldn’t have eaten lunch” because then you’d look better in the dress you’re wearing and “you shouldn’t eat dinner” so you don’t burst the seams.
It’s moments like that that ruin me.
What a Very Happy Easter
I’m so tired of being abandoned
I’m abandoned all the time and I can’t do anything about it and I can’t complain about it and no one really cares if they abandon me or not but it happens so much and I’m just so sick and tired of it and now all I can do is sit here and cry because I know nothing will change and I know that every time someone abandons me again my abandonment issues become worse and worse and I fall even deeper into a pit of depression that I can’t get out of.
I thought I was doing better, I thought I was going to be happy and get over this but then things like this happen and they come and they break me like a baseball bat to a mirror and the shards fly everywhere and cut everything and it’s just not good.
Not Really Sure What to Say
I just thought I should make a post but I’ve got nothing to say.
I never have anything to say.
Because saying things is overrated for me.
Because then people will know what I’m thinking.
And not even I want to know what I’m thinking.
You know it’s going to be a bad day when you get an email saying this:
“I have to ask you to do me a
favor and I hate it but its the right thing to do. I know you need
someone to talk to and I want to be that person for you but I just
can’t anymore. So please, don’t email me or text me. Its just better
that way. I’m starting things off fresh and I need to concentrate on
what’s in front of me.”
Focus
Can’t we focus on me for a little bit? I know you have a life. But you said you’d be there for me. And that’s what they all say but do they ever actually come through? no.
When someone says that they’ll be there for them, you have to keep that promise because if you don’t you just crush the person more inside.
I just want to be selfish for a few minutes, a few hours. I want to be able to talk about my feelings with someone so that I don’t feel so alone but no, I can’t. I have to feel alone and be locked in my own mind and I just cry and cry and hurt and cry.
I want to feel okay but I can’t feel okay when people just cause me to feel more ostracized.
When I try to follow through with the persons promise of letting me talk and them helping me of course they always have things to do. They always have their own shit that they start to talk about or have sleep or better things to do.
I understand, I really do. But what they don’t understand is that I hurt so much inside and just want someone to talk to to help me not hurt so much that I can make it to tomorrow.
I feel like I’m losing a battle with myself because I keep so much inside. I am basically deteriorating from the inside out.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can hurt so much more. Even misunderstood words of others can lead me to believe things about myself that I shouldn’t be thinking.
I want to be pretty. I want to be skinny. I want to not eat. I want someone. I want to not be alone. I want to have someone. I want to have someone who won’t leave me. I want to be happy.
I know I won’t ever get any of these things, but I want them so bad.
Why is it that words that people say can ruin your day? I don’t want to be called fat but I know I am. I just want someone to say, “Oh those pants do look good” “You’re not fat at all” and I want someone to mean it. I want to see them face to face and have them mean it. But I am fat and of course it’s those moments when I’m finally feeling better about myself that someone trusted comes along and sets the self destruction in motion once again.
I won’t thank you for listening because I know no one actually is.
Innnteresting
I feel like a traitor to wordpress. Why? Because I’ve gotten a tumblr and am constantly on it O.O It’s like an addiction. illbeyoursoulmate.tumblr.com. It’s mostly for fun though, my real feelings mostly come out here in words.
EW, snails look gross.
I Don’t Know
I thought I should make a post. But there’s nothing to talk about.
If I had to say one thing, it would probably be – I can’t handle this anymore.
Gloomy Thoughts On A Gloomy Day
My parents don’t treat me like they’re my parents anymore. Like we just have an agreement where I live in their house and they drive me places but no love or affection is given… it’s just a deal that we have. More often, they’re mad at me for things that I can’t control. They are separating and everything is my fault. Then half the time, I’m not noticed. It’s everyone else who’s there and I’m just a shadow in the corner except when I’ve done something wrong. Even my siblings are starting to notice me less and less; one called me Christina (not my name).
I don’t understand why my “friends” could have the hearts to abandon other friends. I wouldn’t abandon another person because I’d hate someone to abandon me. Is it wrong that I’m mad at those so called friends because real friends don’t do that? I don’t know.
I am apparently useless, even when doing my job. I contribute nothing.
I’d say that I’ve never felt this down, but I’ve felt worse. But, this comes close. I’m so down. I can’t get back up again. Maybe I should eat my feelings. Eating feelings is bad though, because I’m already fat. And there’s no need to get fatter.
No one asks, “How are you?” anymore. Does no one care? Obviously not.
I’m almost kind of jealous of tightly knit families, because mine is not.
Gloom and doom is me. Gloom and doom!
Sometimes, I feel rather Shakespearean. In the tragedy sort of way. Except not really. Though I’d need an outside perspective on it.
Thanks for listening.
